How to Self-Advocate Through the Feedback Process
Feedback is a tricky business.
As social creatures, we have to work and live together, and this means giving and receiving feedback in small and big ways all the time. If you’re anything like me, you may crave feedback, keen to know how you can improve your relationships and hone your craft.
Sadly, a thirst for evaluation from others can mean we let counterproductive or even hurtful information feed our imposter monster.
When feedback comes out of the blue
Recently, I was standing in the main conference area after finishing a keynote, making myself available for comments and questions. Someone approached me and awkwardly said, “I felt the need to come over and tell you that I gave you very harsh and critical feedback on the survey."
At this point I had a choice. I could continue with a difficult conversation I was unprepared for, or I could say “Thanks, and don’t worry, all feedback is valid. I will take a look at the survey later.”
Of course, my amenable self decided to continue the conversation. In trying to be friendly and not hurt his feelings, I ended up getting my feelings hurt by an opinion NOT actual feedback that could have helped me make my talk even better.
At times like this I try to remind myself; we all have the right to choose when and how we receive feedback. This is an important act of self-advocacy.
You can’t control feedback, but you can control what you do with it
Most often, the feedback we give and receive is a mixture of opinion and data. The person I spoke to said he didn’t like certain aspects and wanted more of other aspects of my talk. It was his opinion. What I heard in the moment was “You suck!”
An analogy I share in talks, workshops and with coaching clients is this:
Feedback is like a pair of gloves you receive as a gift. You can try them on, see how you like them and decide whether to keep them. You can store them in the back of the closet and forget about them until they reappear in your life someday. You have every right to say “no thank you” and give them back. You can even regift!
If someone provides you with feedback—be it unsolicited or solicited—you are in control of what you do with it.
In this case, on reflection, I was able to see it wasn’t feedback. It was an opinion that I didn't agree with, and the survey results didn't agree either!
Wait, did I say you can’t control feedback?
When it comes to giving and receiving feedback, it is vital to be intentional to make the most of it. Using a framework for feedback allows us to remove the opinion and focus only on providing or receiving actionable information.
The framework that I have used over the years and grown to love is COIN.
When asking for feedback: Provide CONTEXT to the person you are asking for feedback. Eg: I have been working on improving my public speaking and meeting facilitation skills and I have this high stakes client presentation coming up on Thursday, I would appreciate your feedback.
Ask for OBSERVATIONS: when it comes to observations we are asking from that person's point of view, not what they heard others say. We also want facts not fiction. For example an observation that is fiction based is - you seemed anxious and nervous vs. a fact: in the beginning of the meeting, your voice was quivering or you were pacing from right to left. If the person you are asking feedback from gives you fiction, ask for facts. If he says, you seemed anxious. Ask, ‘what specifically gave you that impression?’
IMPACT: When we communicate the impact of the feedback it allows the person to know that this feedback is not just about this instance but it has a much bigger goal. In this example: “I have been working on improving your presentation skills and it's a goal of mine to speak at the company townhall. This feedback helps with my broader goal of presenting at the townhall.”
NEXT STEPS: Share what you will do with the feedback that was provided to you. “Thank you so much for this feedback. I'm going to volunteer to facilitate more meetings and practice my presentation skills so that I feel ready to speak at the company townhall.”
Self-advocacy and feedback
I hope this post helps you to make the most of the feedback you receive from others, while enabling you to provide feedback that is helpful. In the context of giving and receiving feedback, it’s important to recognize we are all trying to help each other. Something I have to remind myself constantly - every human is doing they best they can in the moment. When we use a framework like COIN, we can make the feedback as actionable and helpful as possible.
