Stand up for yourself (to yourself!)

In the third post in my series on beating burnout through self-advocacy, I talk about turning around your internal monologue. Find more great advice in my book Be Your Own Cheerleader.

You spill a little bit of coffee as you put it on your desk. What’s your first thought? “Oops! I wonder if I have a napkin?” or is it more like, “I can’t believe I did that! I’m such a clutz!” 

Now imagine someone else calling you a name for making a tiny mistake. You’d be rightly surprised and insulted.

Well, I’d like to know why it is okay to talk to yourself like that.

When you work hard to get where you want with your career — to do the work you most enjoy, and experience challenges that light you up and spur you on — badmouthing yourself is pure self-sabotage that can push you towards overwhelm and burnout.

Turning the negative voice into a positive one isn’t exactly easy though. Here I explain a few ways to stand up for yourself to yourself and feel okay about it.

Listen to your internal monologue

There’s a little voice inside you that wants the very best for you. It wants you to succeed in everything you do and never make a single mistake. The little voice loves you deeply. Unfortunately, its communication skills suck. When you spill your coffee it steps into action, berating you in the hopes you’ll never do it again. Hello inner critic!

When your inner critic tells you not to leave your unhappy job because you might never work again, it’s afraid for your safety. When it tells you that you said the wrong thing to someone at the party earlier, it’s afraid for your safety. 

Next time your inner critic voices its fears, give it a hug and reassure it you’ll be okay. Explain that you understand why it says these things but it’s not helping. You’re not a clutz. You just need a napkin.

Celebrate the little things

Author Tara Lazar explains that the word ‘success’ is the root of ‘succession’, which means to come after or follow after. This means we can define success as a succession of small events. She suggests that we celebrate every little success on the road to every goal.

First, reflect on your medium-sized successes over the last few months and years, such as tough presentations and meetings you slayed, great ideas you had, or just bad days you survived.

Then, take it to the nth degree. You got out of bed this morning, got dressed, left the house, negotiated the busy subway or endured traffic, and dealt with a snippy colleague in the elevator. GO YOU!

Going forward, write down these little wins. Get yourself a success buddy and text each other about everything you got right, along with what you’re going to learn from the things you didn’t.

Learn to take a compliment

Are you one of those people who soaks up every perceived slight and bats away every compliment? In psychotherapy, this is called the inability to accept positive affect. Somewhere deep inside, you feel like you don’t deserve the praise. That’s your inner critic at work again, trying to keep you from getting ahead of yourself.

Receiving and appreciating compliments takes a little work but it’s a habit you can get into. Go back to those successes you listed and say to yourself, “Well done. You did a great job at X.” 

It’s not enough to say it, you have to internalize it too. Take a moment and recognize the sense of unease you feel when receiving a compliment and make a mental note of it as you absorb the praise. Thank your inner critic for their concern (again). Reassure them there’s no danger, someone just said a nice thing about you. It’s really okay.

Why is all this so hard?

For lots of us, celebrating our successes and speaking positively to ourselves isn’t just difficult, it’s downright unpleasant. We associate these kinds of behaviors with people we don’t like and don’t want to be. 

One reason for this could be that you were raised in (or by parents from) a collective culture, in which everyone depends on everyone else’s contribution to the success of the group. In these cultures, lone wolves are perceived to threaten stability and are untrustworthy. In western societies where people are less dependent on each other to meet their basic needs, individualistic behavior is seen as a positive that can lead to personal accomplishments and ultimately more wealth.

If you were raised in a collective culture and work in an individualistic culture, you’ll struggle to be heard amongst the natural self-cheerleaders around you. You may even feel resentful towards them, working ever harder while getting less credit than those who naturally express their wins.

Within any type of national culture, girls are often raised to have a more collective outlook than boys. Aggression and anger are seen as ‘normal’ for little boys, while nurturing and caring are seen as ‘normal’ for little girls. Outspoken girls suffer social sanctions and are conditioned from an early age not to rock the boat. The result? Less ability to step away from the team and take credit for our own successes.

Of course, you may struggle with negative self-talk due to traumatic experiences or because you were raised by people who weren’t that great at raising people. If that’s the case, it’s good to know what you’re dealing with so you can start to fight back by standing up to your inner critic, recognizing your own worth, and internalizing the good things you and others say about you.

Conclusion

Whatever the reason you berate yourself in your head, it’s time to recognize the impact it’s having on your potential and turn it around. When you develop these skills, you develop the resilience to handle negative experiences and learn to flex the self-advocacy muscle for a more empowering future.